Mindful vs. Mind full

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

7:41 AM

Lately I am finding I have too many 'irons in the fire' 'juggling too many balls' however you would like to phrase it.

Several weeks, months?, ago I was working on my mindfulness. I have a Zen meditation program that I was using every day and was practicing mindfulness in whatever I was doing. I don't recall the exact pebble that started the avalanche, but now that it is rolling downhill I am having a very difficult time stopping it.

I've stopped using the program in the mornings, not sure why. I find myself unable to slow my mind and become mindful at any time because I am currently too "mind full." I was mindful when I started this blog, but things started to go sideways in my life. I had already subscribed to a couple of Asperger and Autism sites/blogs, and to at least two Sjogrens groups and blogs. I was having a hard time keeping up with all of those, but then I added several mindfulness and meditation/spiritualty blogs/forums, and after a Lupus flair I joined a couple Lupus sites, and am now totally overwhelmed.

Now add to this trying to keep up with my part time job while dealing with both Aspergers and chronic illness, keeping up with the house cleaning when I am frequently too tired or sore to accomplish much of anything, and dealing with a daughter who requests a lot of my attention.

Now I am reading articles on how DNA fits into all of this. Sensitive people (read ASD) are more likely to develop autoimmune disorders. Having a traumatic childhood can also lead to autoimmune disorders. How the behaviors and beliefs of parents and grandparents can be passed down to children and how all of these studies can be used as excuses for current problems. I cannot keep up with everything as much as I want to. I have lost my center and don't know how to find it again.

I am trying to figure out how to slow down when a big part of me is just trying to keep up.

Done whining now.

Letting go isn't always easy.

I've been reading a lot about "letting go" lately. Actually, that is a theme that has been in my life for many years. Sometimes it is almost easy to let go of the things that have been holding me back, other times it is nearly impossible.

Think of it this way.

You are on a small ship carrying a box that holds something you believe you need to survive. Doesn't matter what it is, but you have no idea how you could manage without it. Then, in rough waters the ship capsizes and you are in deep water with your box and you realize that you can't reach the surface of the water while still holding it. Suddenly you have a choice of either sinking while holding onto the box or letting it go and making it to the surface.

This is probably more true with people in your life than with anything else. It is easy to say / hear / read that you need to let go of the negative people in your life, but it is so difficult when that person is a relative, spouse, adult child, childhood friend, or good friend you have come to rely on in some way.

I know very few read this blog, but I would love to hear anyone's opinions on this.

Weird weekend

Short post, because I feel the need to write SOMETHING.

With all the immune suppressants I'm on, I picked up a virus at work. By Saturday I was coughing a lot and Sunday decided I couldn't wait until Monday to call the doctor, so I went to urgent care. It looked like pneumonia was trying to join in, so I was sent home with a prescription for anti-biotics. Monday was a day off for both my daughter and myself, so she took care of me most of the day. Tuesday we both called off from work as I was going through a Lupus flair and she was worried about me being alone. Well, by 3:00 I was taking care of her rather than the other way around. She went into ER/urgent care about 7:00 that evening, badly dehydrated. Tests showed she had a UTI which were probably causing all of her problems.
She was told to take a couple of days off from work, and I wish I could take today off to keep taking care of her, but she will have to take care of herself while I go into work today. So, wish us both luck.