Corner of Asperger and Sjogren

Do you know what happens when you reach the corner of Asperger and Sjogren? Confusion, overwhelm, and shut down.

It seems like everything is happening at once. My ACA insurance is more than doubling if I want to maintain the same policy. Going through the Marketplace to shop for a different policy was overwhelming last year, and no better this year. Worries about Washington defunding the ACA is a looming concern. This is only one part.

My doctors suspect more health problems, so I have been going through many tests, the most concerning to me is the possibility of heart disease - something common with Sjogrens, but something I REALLY don't want. So far tests have come back clear, but that only means different tests have to me done. I'd much rather find the problem is gluten intolerance and simply adjust my diet. Some years back I'd gone gluten free, so I know it can be done, I just haven't done it lately.

Then there are the constant dental problems. I have a dentist who says I should do as much as I can to maintain what teeth I have left, already lost enough to make eating difficult, hence reintroducing gluten into my diet with noodles and such. My thoughts are running more along the lines of; attempting to maintain my teeth is just throwing good money after bad and I would be better off finding a way to finance getting them all pulled and replacing them with full plates. Most of the new cavities are along the gum/root line anyway, so they can't be filled, just pulled one after another as the pain gets too bad. Thankfully, with Aspergers, the 'pain' really isn't all that painful.

Add to the mix the mundane problems around the house. Needing to find money to cover having a window replaced. The bathroom door had been sticking so it was taken down to be fixed. When it was rehung we discovered not only had the problem NOT been fixed, it no longer even shuts!

There are so many things that need to be done, and need to be done quickly, that the only thing I want to do is hide under a rock. I can't think straight anymore. An old but toxic friend has decided he wants to reenter my life to "help" me out. He doesn't realize how much energy it costs me to be around him for more than a very short period of time. He, on the other hand, thinks we should work on becoming a couple. Yeah, and I'll end up in a coping center within a month.

Help.

Too tired.

So much for daily posts.
Wednesday I had a typical (for me) Aspie overreaction.
Things just haven't been going very well for me the past two weeks, poor sleep, change in schedule, daughter is ill now. I end up feeling so off balance all the time. Don't see my doctor for another week and I'm not really sure what he can do for me anyway.

My rhuemy sent a letter informing me he was quitting his practice because he is sick of insurance companies putting profits above patients. On one hand I can empathize with him, that still leaves me at the mercy of the insurance companies, my own of which has chosen to more than double my rates for next year. I'm paying out of pocket, and as not really sure what to do at this point.

Well, DD needs me.

What now?

This will be short.

I did not spend the evening following election results so it wasn't until this morning that I saw the results. The Republicans are now in charge. The same people who want to repeal the ACA "for the good of the country." Well, because of the ACA in 2014 I had insurance for the first time in almost 20 years. Because of this insurance I was able to have my Sjogren's diagnosed, and obtain the medication I need to keep my symptoms in check.

Now I feel like I am back in limbo. While on the 15th I can go back to the Market Place to shop for coverage - while I would most likely keep the program I am on - I now have the worry that the rug will be pulled out from under me sometime during 2015.

I'm not trying to be pessimistic, negative, or depressed but I'd made a decision a long time ago that I would rather commit suicide rather than be buried alive in medical debt. To those who question 'wouldn't I rather be alive and in debt?' my reply is, I've seen people trapped by medical debt and what they have is existence, not life. I refuse to go through that.

I ran out of spoons!

Yesterday I had a day off from my job, and almost wish I hadn't. While I only work part time, meaning four to five hour days four to five days a week, I've found that working a four hour day actually drains me just as much as working an eight hour day did when I was working full time. Therefore, when I saw that I had the day off I made plans to make the most of it.

Having just recently been introduced to Spoon Theory one of the first things I wanted to do was to organize my spoon drawer. I'd also read a blog (which I can't find again) about the importance of rigid routines when one is on the Autism Spectrum, which I was going to use to help me sort my spoon drawer. Then there was some running around to get various errands done, work on painting the door to my bathroom, which is currently on saw horses and will be rehung once the painting is done, Restart a self-help program that I had stalled out on and wasted several days arguing with myself about whether it was worth it or not, wash dishes that had built up as both my daughter and I had been too tired to get through them for a couple of days. DD is also on the spectrum and works part time.

There were other things I wanted to do as well, and I just dumped everything into one box and planned on it all sort of organizing itself eventually.

So I woke up knowing I had to sort my spoon drawer before anything else. I had not anticipated how many spoons it would cost to just BEGIN to plan things out and I really never even got started on actually doing anything. Sorting spoons, planning a routine, the two tasks just overwhelmed me, until it was time to drive my DD to her job. Okay, so I brought my errands with me and began running around once she was at work. Dr.s office, Post office, verify something at my job, bring the verification back to the Dr.s office. Skip going to the community center and head home. Do a large load of dishes and wish once again that I had a dishwasher. Start paining the trim work in the bathroom as well as start working on the door. Plus walk and play with the dog and get dinner into the crock pot.

Suddenly I had no spoons left and it was only about 1:30 in the afternoon. No matter how I pushed myself, I simply could not do anything else for the rest of the day beyond getting my daughter home from her job. It was so frustrating.

I'm still not quite certain how to sort my spoons. I think it would be easier if I only had one issue to deal with, but I have Aspergers, Sjogrens, clinical depression, and an adult HFA daughter who also suffers from depression. I also have to watch my diet, no bread or wheat products, and I haven't been doing that with pizza for dinner one night followed by a frozen lasagna.  These all require so many spoons just to stay above water, it isn't really surprising how many 'basic' things end up being neglected, such as the dinner dishes.

Done whining for the day. Anyone have cheese and crackers?

What do I say now?

Commitments can be terrible things sometimes. Especially when you over commit yourself to too many projects. After yesterday's post about overwhelm I had to step back and look at everything I've committed myself to do. These are not commitments to other people, at least not entirely, but commitments I've made to myself.

I've committed myself to post here every day, and I've been pretty much kept to that commitment. Pat myself on the back. I had initially committed myself to complete the Liberate Your Life program in the six weeks it was designed for. Well, that didn't work out but I am still committed to completing the program as quickly as possible. I just need to be sure I don't put it on the back burner and forget about it as I have so often with so many self help programs. Programs, books, DVD's and audio disks, purchased with good intentions and left to gather dust and be forgotten about.

I've committed myself to declutter my home. After years of hoarding, this can be so difficult at times. It seems hardest when my DD wants help organizing her things while her things spill all over the house. It gets us nowhere when she says I should not complain about how much she has in the halls and living spaces, because of how much I have in those areas. She even has boxes of her things stored in MY bedroom. It was only supposed to be for a few days and has been over a month so far with no sign of them moving out.

I have Aspergers and she is HFA so when we butt heads it can fairly quickly become a mutual meltdown which accomplishes nothing. 

I'm trying to maintain communication with the few email friends I have,  but some of those are decaying anyway. I've promised myself to connect with the community center to see if I can join their card club. I've been making that promise for almost a year now and I am no closer to doing anything about it than I was when I first thought of it.

It won't do any good to try to fix blame for any of this, I just need to work on solutions and try to maintain the commitments I feel are important.