brick walls and self-improvement

Yesterday I read an amazing article about Aspergers and stress/overwhelm http://www.myaspergers.net/what-is-aspergers/how-to-deal-with-stress-and-aspergers/

While I didn't think of myself as overwhelmed or over stressed, as I read I saw I had all the symptoms and it was impacting me more than I wanted to admit. Not remembering what I'd done in the morning seemed not a bit deal, except that it was becoming a big deal when I believed I'd done something important only to discover later that I had only thought about doing it, but not actually done anything.

The article has links to a couple of quizzes and work sheets that are causing me more stress right now. My time is so tight with things I feel I should be working on, do I really have time to throw in more stuff to do?

Right now I am working through a self-improvement course which is working but also creating a lot of stress itself. Liberate Your Life, by Chris Cade, is about silencing your Inner Critic. It was sold as a six week course and I purchased the downloadable version for which I am now very thankful.

Going through the first week's lesson in a week was a breeze. The second week was almost as easy. The third week I hit a brick wall. A written exercise, to help you forgive yourself, that I just didn't want to do - as much as I knew I NEEDED to do it. I'd fuss around the exercise, but not actually do it, and thus not complete the lesson. The fourth week's lesson arrived, and I started reading it, how to turn your fear into courage.

I remembered an old saying about courage:
                     Courage/bravery is NOT being fearless.
                     It IS being afraid and doing it anyway.

I discovered that I hadn't wanted to do the exercise because I was afraid I would not be able to forgive myself. With a little encouragement from a friend I managed to get through the exercise that nearly stopped me, did ultimately forgive myself, and feel much lighter now. I also decided to step back and start at the beginning again, so I can get into the next lessons with a running start. What struck me most was opening the first lesson to read,
                      "The exercises that are most uncomfortable for
                      you are the same ones that will bring you the
                      greatest peace, happiness, and freedom from
                      your Inner Critic. "

Now I just need to figure out how to fit ten pounds of flour in a five pound sack. Be more conscious at my job. Finish painting the bathroom and spare room. Clean house, repair kitchen drawers, find someone to repair/replace a window.

Hey, I seem to remember reading an article about Aspergers and overwhelm.

Don't trust labels

It seems I've missed a couple of days. Troubles with changing schedules and my plate suddenly becoming overloaded.

DD got a new job, which thrills me to death. But until she can drive I have the fun of chauffeuring her back and forth to work, which turned my routine onto its head. I've also tossed my hat into the online dating ring, which I am already beginning to think was a mistake. Too many people want to play games, and I am just not in the mood for that.

People say things about themselves to make themselves attractive, but on meeting them you discover they are nothing like the way they described themselves. Kind of like the Rugged wear in the picture.

Maybe it is harder for me being older, maybe it's just Asperger's but I expect honesty from people, and the games just turn me off to the whole idea of meeting someone online. Then again I really don't have the social skills to meet people any other way at the moment, so I will look at some of the articles that keep being posted about Aspergers and Dating. The problem with most of those is they are written for teens and young adults just starting their lives, while I am older and starting over. My marriage lasted 25 years because we were both Aspies and were weird in the same ways, but when it fell apart it did so spectacularly. In 10 years of dating, I seem to keep finding Mr. Wrong. Even my DD has told me I have terrible taste in men, and she verified that she included her father in that assessment.

Well, I'm just going to keep looking anyway. Maybe I can prove her wrong by finding Mr. Right.

Drip Drip Drop

Wow. This is one of those time when having both Sjogrens and Aspergers really gangs up on me.

With Aspergers, I tend to procrastinate and also be indecisive. With Sjogrens I suffer with chronic moderate to severe dry eye.

Last night I ran out of my overnight eye drops, which I'd gotten on sale and had been working quite well for me. No problem, I thought, I had a different brand, also purchased on sale, that should do just as well. No such luck. The new eye drops were NOT able to last the night. In fact, despite the 10 hour claim on the box, they only last for three or four hours at most.

This morning I went to Drugstore.Com to see what was available and look through the reviews and pulled up reviews for well over two dozen different eye drops that all had great ratings. Many were easily dismissed as they were also removed redness or had astringents, both of which are no-nos for me. I then dropped a couple that were just out of my price range and I am still left with 25 to choose from.

I'd never considered buying eye drops to be quite so overwhelming, but there is simply a lot of reviews to go through. The fun really begins when I look at reviews for two products that were written by people who had tried both products. One says they have used both A and B and B is worthless compared to A. The other person says they have used B for a while but decided to try A, but after an initial trial when back to B.

To me this shows that everyone is different and what works for one person may not work for the next, which makes going through the reviews even more confusing.

At least I have a tube of gel to get me through the night tonight, and the next few days as once the tube is open it is all I will use until it is empty. Now I may just walk to the local drug store and let intuition be my guide. Or just go back to one of the eye drops I used in the past that I know work for me. Nah, that makes too much sense.

Just another day

Today I'm writing because I've made a commitment to myself to write something every day.

I fellow member of a Sjogren's forum I follow asked today about whether anyone else dealt with anxiety issues. I was surprised at the number of affirmative answers. I had never put my constant anxiety in the realm of my Sjogren's, but as a part of my Aspergers. Maybe it is a part of both and that is why it seems so constant.

Yesterday went well, and I slept well, yet when I woke up this morning the whole world seemed off.

It is taking a while, but I seem to be shaking a lot of it off. Now to see what I can accomplish today.

There are a couple of things I want to talk about today. The first is self-help/political and the second is personal.

First:

If there is one thing that is consistent through all of the self-help, self-improvement courses, articles, and books I have gone through is it that you can't grow if you are in a state of fear. Fear keeps you from growing and prevents self awareness, empathy toward others, and even love. Right now I, and probably everyone else in the USA, is being bombarded with political ads. It doesn't matter who is sending them out, Democrats, Republicans, or even some of the Independents,  they all use the same tactic. Fear. There is fear of the other party gaining control of congress, fear of terrorists, fear of job loss, climate change, environmental disaster, the list goes on.

The fact that many political ads are false, or exaggerations, or misleading about the cause of their fear, is unimportant, as is who is making and promoting those ads. What seems important to me is the idea that so much fear is being fed to the public that it makes it almost impossible for anyone to think clearly, to think about helping their fellow citizens, to think about community responsibility, to think about anything other than protecting themselves. Compassion has flown out the window to be replaced with a core belief of 'it's us versus them' whoever "us" or "them" might be. This is not how a country should grow.

I don't have any solutions other than to try to increase awareness of how we are being manipulated, so each person can let go of their own fears.


Second:

Okay, this is totally unrelated to the first thought. The past few nights I have had difficulty sleeping, which has dragged me down during the day. Various things that have occurred have given me some anxiety, and I have had some difficulty not giving in to fear, but seeing these things as problems with solutions.

With the lack of sleep, I've been lethargic during the day which probably contributed to the following night's poor sleep. I wake up feeling like my lower legs are wrapped in weights and end the day with pains running from my hip to my knee - only on one side, thankfully. Well, yesterday I got home from work and looked at the meadow my backyard was becoming and decided that as I had the next day off from my job I would get the sticks and such picked up so I could mow as soon as it got light. Well, after getting the bits I could see picked up I looked around the yard and thought about how much light was left, and pulled out my trusty mower and began pushing it around the yard. I didn't get the whole yard completed, but the meadow I was ignoring in my effort to keep the street side under control, is now completed. It was amazing how much better I felt after the exercise as well.

AND I HAD A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP!!

Let's see what today brings.

PS. If anyone knows the source of the image I used, please let me know so it can be properly credited.

Insurance woes

I felt blessed when the Affordable Care Act was passed and I was able to get insurance for the first time in close to twenty years. I went to the Market Place and signed up for the best plan I could afford and it was a Godsend. I was diagnosed with Sjogren syndrome at that time and began a battery of lab work and doctor appointments. Went in for surgery to have a cyst removed and have been very pleased with the results so far.

Yesterday I received a notice from my insurance company that in 2015 my premiums, after subsidy, will more than double. The payments I had been making were doable, but the new payments are a whole different animal. I've got about a month to go back through the market place and reapply so I can plan out my budget for next year. I'm hoping to keep the same plan I am currently on, but only time will tell.

The experiment continues

Well, it is my second day. So far so good.

Last night was a bit odd. With all the excitement over my DD's new job I was so tired in the evening I forgot to take my sleeping pill. I was up every hour on the hour 4 times, so at the fourth wake up I decided to get up and have some hot coffee (yes, coffee relaxes me). When I looked on my desk, there was my sleeping pill resting nicely in it's container.

Hmm. What to do now? My doctor had recently increased the dosage, and I still had some of the weaker ones in my medicine box, to I returned the stronger dose to it's bottle and took one of the weak ones and managed to get six hours of solid sleep. (Happy dance)

On the self-help front, I've run into my wall. I am taking an online course, Liberate Your Life by Chris Cade, and reading a book, the Reconnection by Dr. Eric Pearl. They fit together amazingly well, or did until yesterday. Both of them reached a point of requiring me to fulfill certain exercises before continuing at the same time, which immediately sent me looking for the next shiny thing. So far I have held myself back other than to read a wonderful article about procrastination, "Slaying the PROCRASTINATION dragon" by Jackie. http://www.365lessthings.com/slaying-the-procrastination-dragon-by-vicki/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+365LessThings+%28365+Less+Things%29

It helped me to understand a better way to face the wall. Also I remember a line from "the Last Lecture," which I watched several years back, when he said 'remember the wall is not there to stop you. It's there to determine how badly you want something." Okay, I'm paraphrasing but I'm sure you get the meaning.

Now, for grins and giggles, I'm going to learn to add a picture to my post.

Introductions are in order.

My name is Chris and I am going through some things right now. I've recently heard that extensive writing can help maintain physical health, brain function, and emotional balance. Sounds like a good reason to start a blog to me.

I have currently been diagnosed with two disorders, Asperger Syndrome and Sjogren's Syndrome. I used to write fiction extensively and was even published a few times long before the advent of online self publishing. I would like to begin that again soon, if possible.

With Asperger's I have always had a shot gun approach to life. Aiming for too many things at once and never actually hitting (completing) anything. I wasn't officially diagnosed until fairly recently, as I was a young girl at a time when they only looked for ADHD in young boys, and no one had even heard of Asperger Syndrome. Oh the joys of reaching the 90 to 98 percent point on any given project, just to drop it at that point leaving it uncompleted.

Sjogren's is actually a bit easier to live with, as it is more physical rather than mental/emotional. I take my medication, see my doctors and keep my symptoms stabilized.

There is just one more thing. I have been pretty much addicted to self-help programs. I no longer have any idea of how much money I've spent through the years on various books, classes, online seminars, DVD programs and more. Often they help in the short term without sticking for the long term. With books, they are frequently purchased with the best of intentions, put on the bookshelf and forgotten.

I am currently using one online course and reading a couple of books which all seem to fit well with each other. Other than pushing myself to actually DO the exercises rather than just reading about them, they all seem to be helping me at the moment. As I see the next sparkly object, I keep reminding myself of what the Cheshire Cat said in Alice in Wonderland. "If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there." I need to remember where I am going and stay on the same road until I get there.

How's this for a first entry?

Be Back tomorrow.