Mindful vs. Mind full

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

7:41 AM

Lately I am finding I have too many 'irons in the fire' 'juggling too many balls' however you would like to phrase it.

Several weeks, months?, ago I was working on my mindfulness. I have a Zen meditation program that I was using every day and was practicing mindfulness in whatever I was doing. I don't recall the exact pebble that started the avalanche, but now that it is rolling downhill I am having a very difficult time stopping it.

I've stopped using the program in the mornings, not sure why. I find myself unable to slow my mind and become mindful at any time because I am currently too "mind full." I was mindful when I started this blog, but things started to go sideways in my life. I had already subscribed to a couple of Asperger and Autism sites/blogs, and to at least two Sjogrens groups and blogs. I was having a hard time keeping up with all of those, but then I added several mindfulness and meditation/spiritualty blogs/forums, and after a Lupus flair I joined a couple Lupus sites, and am now totally overwhelmed.

Now add to this trying to keep up with my part time job while dealing with both Aspergers and chronic illness, keeping up with the house cleaning when I am frequently too tired or sore to accomplish much of anything, and dealing with a daughter who requests a lot of my attention.

Now I am reading articles on how DNA fits into all of this. Sensitive people (read ASD) are more likely to develop autoimmune disorders. Having a traumatic childhood can also lead to autoimmune disorders. How the behaviors and beliefs of parents and grandparents can be passed down to children and how all of these studies can be used as excuses for current problems. I cannot keep up with everything as much as I want to. I have lost my center and don't know how to find it again.

I am trying to figure out how to slow down when a big part of me is just trying to keep up.

Done whining now.

Letting go isn't always easy.

I've been reading a lot about "letting go" lately. Actually, that is a theme that has been in my life for many years. Sometimes it is almost easy to let go of the things that have been holding me back, other times it is nearly impossible.

Think of it this way.

You are on a small ship carrying a box that holds something you believe you need to survive. Doesn't matter what it is, but you have no idea how you could manage without it. Then, in rough waters the ship capsizes and you are in deep water with your box and you realize that you can't reach the surface of the water while still holding it. Suddenly you have a choice of either sinking while holding onto the box or letting it go and making it to the surface.

This is probably more true with people in your life than with anything else. It is easy to say / hear / read that you need to let go of the negative people in your life, but it is so difficult when that person is a relative, spouse, adult child, childhood friend, or good friend you have come to rely on in some way.

I know very few read this blog, but I would love to hear anyone's opinions on this.

Weird weekend

Short post, because I feel the need to write SOMETHING.

With all the immune suppressants I'm on, I picked up a virus at work. By Saturday I was coughing a lot and Sunday decided I couldn't wait until Monday to call the doctor, so I went to urgent care. It looked like pneumonia was trying to join in, so I was sent home with a prescription for anti-biotics. Monday was a day off for both my daughter and myself, so she took care of me most of the day. Tuesday we both called off from work as I was going through a Lupus flair and she was worried about me being alone. Well, by 3:00 I was taking care of her rather than the other way around. She went into ER/urgent care about 7:00 that evening, badly dehydrated. Tests showed she had a UTI which were probably causing all of her problems.
She was told to take a couple of days off from work, and I wish I could take today off to keep taking care of her, but she will have to take care of herself while I go into work today. So, wish us both luck.

Chipmunk

This morning I am reminded of a wonderful poem by Odgen Nash. I first read in in a collection of animal poems by this amazing poet that I received as a birthday give many, many years ago. As I do not want to violate copy-write* I will only post a few lines; the first from the middle and the second from the ending which is not included in anything I have found online.

......

He moves with flickering indecision

Like stripes across the television.

..

But his ultimate purpose is obvious, very

That is to get back to his chipmonistary.

 Today I feel like that chipmunk. I am dealing with Aspergers and Sjogrens. The first makes dealing with distractions difficult similarly to ADD, the second brings on brain fog, the combination makes thinking (or not thinking) difficult.

Like the chipmunks indecision, I am trying several types of self-improvement at once and this can be problematic. In my mind they compliment each other, but they all require time and my busy chipmunk mind is constantly looking for distractions.

In order of introduction into my life, the first program I am using is the Zen Meditation program offered by Wild Divine   This is a program I started a number of years back. Lost when my computer crashed and finally have reinstalled on the new computer.

The second program is Liberate Your Life by Chris Cade. http://www.chriscade.com/rishi/?section=liberate-your-life&page=details. Actually I am not working that program yet, rather reading the introductory booklet Conspiracy of Distraction. One portion I underlined was this:  

My real point is that a number one reason people don't make the type

 of progress they desire in life is because their Inner Critic makes

 them think they are bored and so they don't stick to "the program."

The third program, if it can be called that, is I am currently studying Buddhism. This seed was probably planed by the Zen meditation I've been doing though there is a lot of non-Buddhist Zen out there and the Wild Divine program is not designed to convert anyone, just to teach about Zen meditation itself.

 I have a list of "Zen Things" on my computer desktop, and the first three things on the list are:
1. Do one thing at a time.
2. Do it slowly and deliberatly.
3. Do it completely.
So as distraction keeps trying to pull me into other programs I fight the urge to "try something new." and put my efforts into the programs I have and do them deliberately and completely and keep reminding myself that the work I am doing is NOT boring, but is fulfilling.







*I attempted to look it up online to post a link, but apparently the complete poem has been taken down repeatedly by the copywrite holder, and the versions that I have found are incomplete compared to the published version I remember.

Corner of Asperger and Sjogren

Do you know what happens when you reach the corner of Asperger and Sjogren? Confusion, overwhelm, and shut down.

It seems like everything is happening at once. My ACA insurance is more than doubling if I want to maintain the same policy. Going through the Marketplace to shop for a different policy was overwhelming last year, and no better this year. Worries about Washington defunding the ACA is a looming concern. This is only one part.

My doctors suspect more health problems, so I have been going through many tests, the most concerning to me is the possibility of heart disease - something common with Sjogrens, but something I REALLY don't want. So far tests have come back clear, but that only means different tests have to me done. I'd much rather find the problem is gluten intolerance and simply adjust my diet. Some years back I'd gone gluten free, so I know it can be done, I just haven't done it lately.

Then there are the constant dental problems. I have a dentist who says I should do as much as I can to maintain what teeth I have left, already lost enough to make eating difficult, hence reintroducing gluten into my diet with noodles and such. My thoughts are running more along the lines of; attempting to maintain my teeth is just throwing good money after bad and I would be better off finding a way to finance getting them all pulled and replacing them with full plates. Most of the new cavities are along the gum/root line anyway, so they can't be filled, just pulled one after another as the pain gets too bad. Thankfully, with Aspergers, the 'pain' really isn't all that painful.

Add to the mix the mundane problems around the house. Needing to find money to cover having a window replaced. The bathroom door had been sticking so it was taken down to be fixed. When it was rehung we discovered not only had the problem NOT been fixed, it no longer even shuts!

There are so many things that need to be done, and need to be done quickly, that the only thing I want to do is hide under a rock. I can't think straight anymore. An old but toxic friend has decided he wants to reenter my life to "help" me out. He doesn't realize how much energy it costs me to be around him for more than a very short period of time. He, on the other hand, thinks we should work on becoming a couple. Yeah, and I'll end up in a coping center within a month.

Help.

What now?

This will be short.

I did not spend the evening following election results so it wasn't until this morning that I saw the results. The Republicans are now in charge. The same people who want to repeal the ACA "for the good of the country." Well, because of the ACA in 2014 I had insurance for the first time in almost 20 years. Because of this insurance I was able to have my Sjogren's diagnosed, and obtain the medication I need to keep my symptoms in check.

Now I feel like I am back in limbo. While on the 15th I can go back to the Market Place to shop for coverage - while I would most likely keep the program I am on - I now have the worry that the rug will be pulled out from under me sometime during 2015.

I'm not trying to be pessimistic, negative, or depressed but I'd made a decision a long time ago that I would rather commit suicide rather than be buried alive in medical debt. To those who question 'wouldn't I rather be alive and in debt?' my reply is, I've seen people trapped by medical debt and what they have is existence, not life. I refuse to go through that.

Introductions are in order.

My name is Chris and I am going through some things right now. I've recently heard that extensive writing can help maintain physical health, brain function, and emotional balance. Sounds like a good reason to start a blog to me.

I have currently been diagnosed with two disorders, Asperger Syndrome and Sjogren's Syndrome. I used to write fiction extensively and was even published a few times long before the advent of online self publishing. I would like to begin that again soon, if possible.

With Asperger's I have always had a shot gun approach to life. Aiming for too many things at once and never actually hitting (completing) anything. I wasn't officially diagnosed until fairly recently, as I was a young girl at a time when they only looked for ADHD in young boys, and no one had even heard of Asperger Syndrome. Oh the joys of reaching the 90 to 98 percent point on any given project, just to drop it at that point leaving it uncompleted.

Sjogren's is actually a bit easier to live with, as it is more physical rather than mental/emotional. I take my medication, see my doctors and keep my symptoms stabilized.

There is just one more thing. I have been pretty much addicted to self-help programs. I no longer have any idea of how much money I've spent through the years on various books, classes, online seminars, DVD programs and more. Often they help in the short term without sticking for the long term. With books, they are frequently purchased with the best of intentions, put on the bookshelf and forgotten.

I am currently using one online course and reading a couple of books which all seem to fit well with each other. Other than pushing myself to actually DO the exercises rather than just reading about them, they all seem to be helping me at the moment. As I see the next sparkly object, I keep reminding myself of what the Cheshire Cat said in Alice in Wonderland. "If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there." I need to remember where I am going and stay on the same road until I get there.

How's this for a first entry?

Be Back tomorrow.